Kung Fu Kid

Filming for the Karate Kid remake is underway in Hong Kong but not without controversy. Since the film was announced last year numerous movie sites and Karate Kid fansites have protested against Hollywoods desire to rewrite history by ruining all our favourite movies from our childhood. Fearing a major backlash on release in the states and possibly the same in Japan and Hong Kong due to the casting of Jackie Chan as karate master Mr Miyagi the producers have renamed the film ‘Kung Fu Kid’. It must’ve taken them ages to come up with that.

What’s annoying is that I would gladly watch a Jackie Chan film which revolved around similar ideas to Karate Kid its just now I know this is a remake I feel negative towards the project. Kung fu films constantly borrow from each other and Karate Kid is hardly a groundbreaking story borrowing ideas and scenes largely from The Prodigal Son. The problem is martial arts fans are already so sick of watching bad remakes of classic films like Fist of Fury, Shogun Assasin and Prodigal Son that casting a favourite like Chan just adds insult to injury.

Popularity: 11% [?]

Edited: August 11th, 2009

Hollywood in The Gallery

I’m a big fan of the Guardian’s ‘The Gallery’ series a user generated parade of humorously photoshopped football pics. The imagination of the readers who submit the pictures is unbelievable some going for simple puns whilst others go for elaborate or obscure references.

One thing I have noticed popping up almost weekly is the redesigned Film poster and it made me contemplate the psychology behind this. Is it because there are so few films about such a massively popular world sport or is it just the fact that we love to ridicule the pomposity and grandiosity of Hollywood’s aggressive marketing machine.

It is obviously the latter as film posters are continously parodied by all and sundry across the interweb. I believe that people subconciously accept hollywood advertising as the norm for the medium but harbour a deep resentment towards it due to the misrepresentation of the product and often the blitzing of the media to sell us their latest turkey.

People are now aware of how seriously Hollywood style advertising takes itself and are quick to parody or even reject it outright. The Gallery is one such place where this is prevalent but it works so well as the players and the business of football take themselves so seriously too. So enjoy some propaganda from the football fans who take aim at Sven, the Ibrahimovic Eto’o swap deal, the governments swine flu ads, those Manchester poster wars and of course those over the top Hollywood film posters.

Popularity: 9% [?]

Edited: August 7th, 2009

Seagal versus Van Damme

They say you should never stop chasing your dreams but I had long given up hope of seeing Van Damme fight Steven Seagal on film. Now thanks to some snappy editing by channel 5 and the meteoric decline of both their cinema careers it will finally happen.

The channel 5 advert is part of a 3 part campaign for their very commendable Seagal versus Van Damme season. Lets hope they show all the old favourites and not the newer straight to DVD offerings that the 90’s action heroes have been dropping.

As you can see the 2nd and 3rd installments of the channel 5 trilogy are a bit lame. Who wants to see the muscles from Brussels drive a car or an 8th dan Aikido expert shooting guns? We want fist on flesh action, feet in the face, we want kumite channel 5, kumite.

If you’re as bloodthirsty as me you might just get your wish as a new JCVD & Seagal project has been announced in Hollywood. ‘Weapon’ will see the pair play assasins who combine their deadly talents of sharpshooting (Seagal) and knife fighting (Van Damme) to hunt down a drug cartel. There must be at least one fight scene scripted where they tee off in each other and I’m voting for JCVD to take Seagal down… Nuk soo kow! Nuk soo kow! Nuk soo kow!

Popularity: 14% [?]

Edited: August 6th, 2009

Chelsea v Liverpool: The Movie

So you’re thinking this must be a documentary about the recent rivalry between 2 of Britains biggest football clubs, well the most succesfull British club of all time and a bunch of nouveau riche chavs. The strange thing is despite the title this film isn’t even remotely about football its actually a gangster comedy. A crazy Nollywood crime comedy caper to be more precise about 4 drunken lazy friends who set out to watch the game of the title and end up in the midst of a botched armed robbery.

Its Nollywood so its has mad low production values but the main characters are quite engaging and entertaining and the plot twists are frankly ridiculous. The story begins with the Liverpool fan leaving the bar drunk after Frank Lampard scores and ending up in hospital after being knocked unconscious staring at a girls bum. This is where he is reunited with his Chelsea loving friends who revive him with ‘Chelsea London dry Gin’  just in time for them to foil an armed robbery and make off with the loot together. Arguments ensue and their friendship is put to the test and then the film is over as abruptly as it began.

Amazingly as I’m writing this Chelsea vs Liverpool 2 has just started but now they are full on suited and booted gangsters and are having a ‘City of God’ moment with a crazy witch doctor… I’m gonna have to go watch this it just keeps getting better!

Popularity: 3% [?]

Edited: July 21st, 2009

The science of Steven Seagal film names

Steven Seagal’s film career is teetering on the brink of destruction, but not due to his waning popularity. So what is going to kill Seagals career? Why are his movie roles running out? What pun can I make out of the word justice?

Seagal fans will have spotted what I’m getting at, the fact that the aikido ambassador has almost run out of names for his films. This is mainly because he insists on his movie titles including one of his three favourite words, Kill, Justice or Out. Here is a recap of what we’ve had so far:

Kill Justice Out

Hard to Kill                          Out for Justice                           Out for Justice

Out for a Kill                        Mercenary Justice                   Out for a Kill

Kill Switch                            Urban Justice                             Out of Reach

Driven to Kill

Now you may see this as some sort of arbitrary names-out-of-a-hat experiment gone wrong, and in some way akin to the South Park theory that all Family Guy jokes are created by Manatees pushing ‘idea balls’ out of their water tank. How wrong you are. According to Steven Seagal shrine and generally amazing website Seagalology the complex scientific lexiconical (is that a word?) formula works as such:

Two or three words (usually) going by: ‘verb preposition noun’ or ‘verb article noun’. For instance ‘Out for Justice’ or ‘Above the Law’. There can also be two prepositions or a preposition and an article or conjunction if needed, ie ‘Out for a Kill’.

Two word titles should go by the formula: ‘verb noun’ or ‘adjective noun’.

It’s also imperative that the title says a little as possible about the movie. Extra points if you can stick the words ‘Steven Seagal is’ right before the title and have it make sense (but not necessary).

So lets put it into practise and see what we can come up with…

New Steven Seagal film names

Kill for Justice

Kill the Justice Out of You

Kill for a Decent Role

Out for One Last Payday

Out for a Duck (A Shaolin Cricket-style Stephen Chow-directed adventure set in England during the Ashes?)

I think the list above is all the proof I need to believe that Ste probably only has a couple of films left in him. For those of you who are hard to convince (could that be a Seagal film?) and not happy with my attempts try out TRH online’s Ste Seagal movie name generator. It even makes a poster for your film and suggests co-stars and a plot, but who needs a plot eh? Not our favourite pony-tailed action hero. If all this scientific analysis is too much for you then I give up, just look at the pretty picture below that explains it all.

Flow chart courtesy of Randall Maynard

Popularity: 11% [?]

Edited: July 18th, 2009

Radio Raheem

Just got off the phone talking to my mate Forms about anything and everything. He was trawling the net looking for a ‘Radio Raheem’ T-shirt after watching Do the Right Thing last night. As soon as he said that I wanted one too and after a bit of scheming we we’re both ready to go out and print ‘Bed Stuy do or die’ Tee’s and make a packet. As usual someone has already beat us to it. Check em out here they’re by a guy called cwmccart

While looking for that though I also found these ‘Radio Raheem’ dunks that are so 90’s its untrue. The ‘Love Hate’ detail on the tongue just seals the deal and really draws you back into the gawdy day glo early 90’s era style. It could be the hottest day of the summer all year round if you rock these.

I also found these Jordan Raheem tributes but without the ‘Love Hate’  motif they just lack the impact of the dunks and kinda look more like ‘Safari’s’ crossed with Jordans than real Radio Raheem crepage. More cross bred Jordans later though…

Finally straining the Raheem link to its most tennous here are some finger rings made by Bill McMullen, you can actually get ‘Love Hate’ ones but they are so swag Rihanna wears them. Shame she didn’t use them on Chris Brown would’ve been funny to see his pretty wife beating face with hate stamped backwards across it.

Totally unrelated  I just heard Jackie Chan has been confirmed as Mr Miyagi for the karate Kid remake

Popularity: 24% [?]

Edited: July 14th, 2009

90’s wiki: House Party

Back in 1990 hip hop was part Afrocentric education and part fun and vibrancy. House Party definitely falls into the second category. Taking much inspiration from the Spike Lee movies of the era, but without of the preachy tone, this film showed normal black teenagers just out to have some fun – in spite of their over protective parents, schoolyard bullies and police harassment. In other words, this is a rare ‘feel good in the hood’ movie that shows ghetto life doesn’t have to involve guns, drugs and alcohol but shows good people having a good time together.

The action revolves around rap duo Kid ‘n Play (Christopher Reid and Christopher Martin) and their attempts to organise a party at Play’s house whilst his old folks are on holiday. Sounds easy if you don’t take into acccount some comedic bad boys in the form of RnB production powerhouse ‘Full Force’ who will stop at nothing to cut Kid and his oversized high top fro down to size. If that wasn’t enough, Kid also has to contend with his old school ‘Pop’, played to full comedy value by the late Robin Harris. Harris’ portrayal of this role has set somewhat of a blueprint and been imitated by the likes of Bernie Mac and John Witherspoon (who makes a brief appearance as a nosy neighbour).

When the party finally gets started, Martin Lawrence handles the DJing duties whilst Kid n Play engage in a freestyle battle to impress the two female leads Sidney (Tisha Campbell) and Sharane. The defining moment of the film is the 90’s new jack swing dance-off that ensues between Kid n Play and the girls, parodied and mimicked countless times, and easily one of the most enjoyable moments of 90’s cinema. There is a warning about the dangers of drinking and a safe sex message to boot, but in the midst of all the teenage fun its a fleeting moment of parental nagging in a film that is rarely condescending to the viewer.

(more…)

Popularity: 86% [?]

Edited: September 9th, 2008