I’m gonna spare you a full review of Jay Z”s new album as you will no doubt hear every single track getting serious airplay anywhere they play washed out minimalist pop, which is pretty much everywhere nowadays. Instead I’d like to reflect on what a ‘Reasonable Doubt’ era Jigga would’ve made of this so called ‘classic’ album. Over to you Sean Carter aged 28:

Ugh nice sequel

did it really have 2 prequels

did people really use to say you were Nas’s equal?

can you answer these questions please

Can Kanye even breathe

when he can’t get his skinny jeans past his knees

and he’s snorting all those keys

I thought the black album was your last ever

and you’d never

no matter the weather

ever ever ever

record another album no mo’